This Doll is Disgusting!
by Ugly.Paper.Swan
Summary: Crack!Fic. Shizuo woke up to the sound of his window crashing and found a doll tied up to a brick that looked disgustingly similar to that stupid flea - complete with the furry coat and all. So...what will he do now?
1. Disgusting Doll is Disgusting!

**A/N : Another story from me! Enjoy~ Expect utter crack from the recesses of my mind!**

**Disclaimer : I own squat.  
**

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It was one thing to wake up early in the morning to the sound of a brick breaking his bedroom window from the outside, effectively breaking the only window in his decently-sized one bedroom apartment; and it was another thing to find a disgustingly accurate mini mannequin figure of a certain fucking flea tied up to said cracking, old brick. Looking out of the broken window, Shizuo saw no signs of the perpetrator responsible.

Pinching the bridge of his nose in silent frustration at the possible cost of repair, Shizuo went straight to his kitchen and opened the fridge. He looked briefly at the milk cartons lining up the walls of his fridge and contemplated hard.

_Full cream, semi-skimmed or skimmed? Choices, choices…_

Another glance was taken. Every carton of milk had the same comical cartoon cow frolicking through a field of grass. Their eyes practically screamed, _"Drink me, drink me, Shizu-chan~"_, in all their shiny goodness. Shizuo snapped out of his early morning delusions when at some unknown point along the fuzzy hallucination, the cows turned into Izaya jumping about screaming, _"Drink me, drink me, Shizu-chan~"_. Feeling somewhat disturbed with his state of mind, Shizuo finally picked up a carton and slammed the door.

"Full cream it is then," he said and chugged the milk down until the last drop. Feeling satisfied and ready to face a day full of bullshit and crap, he brought the cartoon cow to his eye level and smirked. Making believe that his moustache milk is actual moustache, he pretended to twist one side of the moustache and said in a posh voice. "'Drink me, drink me' indeed, good Sir Cow. Perchance later tonight, I will drink more before turning in for the day."

He proceeded to throw the carton in the trash. "Why thank you. And a very fine morning to you as well, Sir Cow."

After that role-play, Shizuo went back to his usual mood. He resisted taking out a cigarette so early in the morning and went back to his bedroom. Looking down, his eyebrow twitched. Now he has to deal with this weird doll that looked like the-flea-that-doesn't-deserved-to-be-named. Picking it up curiously and inspecting it from all sides, he vaguely wondered who in the world had a sick fetish of fleas…

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**Yay, first chapter up! Second chapter, here I come!**


	2. I Have a Heart Attack!

**Here's the second chapter! I hope you enjoy reading it! :D**

**Disclaimer : I own squat.  
**

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The forever grinning face of the doll, down to the perfect details of its hair and clothes are starting to piss off Shizuo. Already so angry so early in the morning, Shizuo thanked the lucky stars that it was his day off so he can hunt down the bastard that broke his bedroom window.

Without realising it, he had slammed the doll down on the floor in sheer rage. The doll made a squeaky sound upon impact, attracting the ex-bartender's attention. He picked it up again.

_Interesting…_

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"…"

"…"

"…"

Awkward silence filled the room; the three occupants stared at each other in a strange mixture of shock, indifference and absolute embarrassment.

"I told you not to play around with that chair of yours. Spinning so much on it, it's bound to give up on you sooner or later. And what a timing it was, too," spoke up a woman clad in a green turtleneck and red skirt. She shuffled the papers on her desk and rearranged them back to a certain arrangement.

"Oh you~ I was just fooling around! Nothing to it, nothing to it!" Said Izaya as he got up from the floor and dusted himself. "Really, I was just trying to see if there's anything other than that brother of yours that can make you show other expressions."

Namie gave a sideways glance at her annoying boss. Anyone can see the diffused blush on his face as he tried to pass off his blunder. "Bullshit."

"Ah, really!" Izaya pouted as he slammed himself back on his favourite spinny chair. "You're no fun!"

Namie continued with her task at hand and ignored Izaya. A small clearing of the throat brought Izaya back from his senses. "Ah, Shiki. About the job you were giving me?"

"As I was saying, I need you to give me information on this person right here," said Shiki as he pulled out a photograph of a man.

"Eh~ But he looks so plain! How could you – OOOOFF!"

"Izaya?"

"Ah hahahaha! Oh, it's nothing! I was just – GEH!"

Izaya spluttered senselessly as he felt the wind literally get knocked out of him. A heavy thump to his stomach and another hard blow to his chest caused him to double over, weirding out Namie and Shiki.

"…It seems you are not well today. I'll take my leave and talk to you again later," said Shiki as he rose up from his seat. Namie got up from hers as well and guided Shiki towards the door. Before leaving the room, she shouted to Izaya, because in his current state, it seems that normal volume would reach him.

"I'm leaving for the day as well. I wanna see how Seiji is doing rather than stare at you spazzing on your desk all day long!"

And with that, the two left. Leaving Izaya half-lying on his desk, heaving and sweating from pain and breathlessness. "Damn woman. It's still 9 am…I'm sooooo taking that out your pay check. Just you wait – URGH!"

His left shoulder felt the same crushing feeling.

_WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME TODAY? AM I SICK? AM I, ORIHARA IZAYA, FINALLY ON MY WAY TO MY DEATHBED?_

Izaya panicked. He knew these symptoms. Sudden crushing pain to the chest, with pain sometimes radiating to the stomach and left arm, shortness of breath…Shit, that sounds so much like a heart attack.

Grunting and grabbing his favourite parka, Izaya went out of his Shinjuku office and headed towards Ikebukuro in search for a crackpot underground doctor named Shinra. Even though he wasn't religious, he hoped to whatever entity out there that he didn't bump into Shizuo in his state now.

_It'd really be the death of me, seriously~_

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Shizuo glared at the doll after he poked it several times out of curiosity. Without a word, he slipped the doll into the jacket of his bartender outfit and finally went out to look for the culprit who broke his window.

"Hmm…squeaky and squishy…I'm never gonna get tired poking the hell out of this stupid-looking doll!"_  
_

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**I like sarcastic!Namie!**


	3. Intermission : At Shinra's

**A/N : This is just a brief intermission I've put in before my exams finish...I'll try to update again afterwards. I just felt the sudden urge to write the scene. Enjoy! :D  
**

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"Well?"

Shinra looked up from his notes, thinking for a while before frowning again. "Well…the good news is your heart is just fine, Izaya."

Izaya sighed, feeling relieved that all the balanced diet he ate in his life didn't fail him now. If he had a heart attack even with all his strict diet, he might as well just have raised his hands in surrender and stuffed his face in the next bucket of fried chicken he could get his hands on. He really would!

"So…can I ask a question?"

"Shoot."

"Okay, so Shinra…DO I REALLY HAVE TO STRIP NAKED IF YOU JUST NEED TO CHECK MY CHEST?"

Shinra looked amused and gave a little laugh. He turned his back to Izaya as he put down his notes on the opposite table. "What are you talking about? A proper physical examination requires a good exposure of the patient. Just because your chest hurts, doesn't mean I should _just_ check your chest, you know. Basic knowledge."

"Tell me the truth, you quack. You just want to troll me, don't you?" questioned Izaya in a sarcastic tone as he rolled his eyes. Honestly, how long did Shinra think they had known each other? Seriously, Izaya has known him long enough that he could tell what colour of boxers Shinra is going to wear tomorrow without missing a beat. Black, definitely black; to match Celty's colours.

"It's justifiable and I don't like you," explained the doctor. He looked pleased when Izaya pointed an accusing finger in his face. Shinra just smiled on innocently as if he did absolutely nothing wrong.

"See! You really do want to trick me!"

"I'm actually quite surprised you went along with it." Izaya fumed when he saw Shinra's grin became wider and wider, so much that his face could split in half.

"Izaya! Can you move this way a bit please? I can't see clearly!" shouted a voice from Izaya's right. Izaya shoot daggers at the third person in the room, clearly angered at the extra presence. The informant turned back to Shinra.

"And why the hell is this person even here?"

"About that…I owed her one and she wanted references for her newest Shizaya doujin. So yeah, it works."

"WHAT HAPPENED TO PATIENT'S CONFIDENTIALITY?"

Shinra clicked his tongue in admonishment. "Really now, Izaya? Considering your job, you're the last person on Earth I would think to preach confidentiality of people to others."

Izaya couldn't say much to the sound argument, so he just scowled childishly at his loss in the argument.

"Izaya! Spread your legs wider!"

"Damn it, woman! I'm confiscating that junk!"

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**A/N : ...and we all know who the third person is, right?**


	4. It's Suit Up Time!

**A/N : I'm so sorry for getting this chapter out so late! There was so much going on, that I haven't been able to sit down and write a proper chapter. Well, in any case, enjoy~**

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After having enough fun to last the morning by poking the doll into oblivion, Shizuo walked down the stairs and out of the shabby apartment complex he called home. As much as he wanted to throw the doll into the nearest garbage bin, he had to admit that the doll was a great stress reliever.

"Maybe having this stupid looking trash had its benefits…I'm keeping it."

He walked randomly around for a while, hoping to maybe run into somebody suspicious. But of course there was no such person. The saying "The culprit always return to the crime scene" was a load of bull. All he saw that was out of ordinary was the Van Gang near his apartment complex looking for a mysteriously missing Erika (something about dashing off after a phone call from Shinra) and for some reason, a dog humping a street sign.

"Okaaaaay…not gonna touch that one," muttered Shizuo and he turned to his right to go down another street. The street had a variety of shop along it, most were clothing shops.

Shizuo was frustrated because he had absolutely no clue about the person who broke his darn window. When he ever gets his hand on him/her, he's going to strangle the living soul out of them. As he walked pass a second hand clothes shop, an idea formed into his mind.

_Maybe I couldn't find anything because of the atmosphere…_

_Time to suit up!_

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"Excuse me, coming in!" said Shizuo as he pushed the door of the shop and entered. The cashier who was manning the register smiled at first to greet the first customer for the day before stopping in his tracks.

" WE DIDN'T BORROW ANY MONEY! YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG PERSON!"

Shizuo stopped at the unexpected shouting and zeroed in on the cashier. "AH? YOU'VE GOT A PROBLEM WITH ME COMING IN?!"

He gripped the door hard, the wood cracking underneath the pressure.

"N-no, Sir. Wel-welcome…to the shop?" squeaked the cashier. Shizuo huffed, closing the door behind him softly and searched the racks. After a few more minutes, he dumped his selection on the counter.

The cashier looked warily at him and stared at the odd choice of garments in front of him. A well-used knee-length trench coat, a fedora hat, curiously a fake moustache and an old monocle? As he rang up the items, the cashier nervously started a conversation.

"G-going to a costume party?"

Shizuo eyed the man in front of him. He replied. "No. I'm out to hunt some jackass who broke my window."

"H-huh?"

"Anyways, got a changing room?"

The cashier pointed to his right silently and watched Shizuo went in. When the ex-bartender walked back out, he was wearing the clothes that he just bought, looking smug in his new retro detective outfit.

The cashier didn't know what to say to the randomness that he was seeing and wisely kept his mouth shut. Tearing his attention away from Shizuo, he pretended to be busy with other things.

Once satisfied with how he looks, Shizuo proceeded to walk out the store. As he was about to take the starting step, his eyes caught on to a section of the shop where there was a whole bunch of items that piqued his interest.

Shizuo thought for a moment. He wanted to go through them and pick them out thoughtfully since it would definitely be funny, but he was in a hurry. After much deliberation, the blond decided to just grab a large handful of them and dump them on the counter to ring them up.

The startled cashier let go of the magazine he was reading and glanced towards Shizuo nervously, then towards the items on the counter.

Upon seeing them, the cashier forehead creased in confusion.

"…Second hand doll's clothes…?"

"Tch, don't judge me. I'm in a hurry, be quick!" said Shizuo as he slammed a hand on the counter, denting it a little. The unnamed cashier did another nervous jig and hurriedly gathered the doll's clothes.

"Eh?! Er, all right. Umm…."

After the cashier finally got to work and Shizuo paid for the items, he walked out of the store, whistling to his heart's content. As he turned a corner, a hand grabbed his shoulder and twisted him around harshly.

Shizuo, who was interrupted in the middle of whistling, got irritated at the intrusion and was about to give this person a punch to the face before he stopped himself. The person was none other than Tom.

Silence reigned in between them. In the silence, Tom had put his other hand on Shizuo's other shoulder. After a few moments of awkwardness pass, Tom spoke up.

"…I was afraid that it was actually you."

Shizuo blinked at his senior, waiting for him to finish saying his piece of mind.

"Shizuo, is this what you do on your days off?"

"…Uh…I can explain…"

Tom held up a hand, cutting of Shizuo in mid-sentence.

"No, wait. Stop. Somehow…I don't think I would be able handle your reasoning."

"Okay…?"

A hissing sound was heard as Tom drew in a breath through clenched teeth, a grimace on his face as he does so. The tanned man patted Shizuo on the shoulders in resignation before letting him go.

"Well…whatever it is you're doing…Um, good luck, I guess…See you tomorrow…Hopefully, wearing your normal clothes, not that it was normal in the first place."

And the man walked away in confusion, leaving behind Shizuo who was also in the same state on the sidewalk.

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**A/N : Sorry for the crappy update. It's been a long time since I've updated this fic, and I kinda lost the touch a bit. For some reason, Shizuo has a penchant for role-playing in this fic, haha.**


	5. Have You Seen Me?

**A/N : I know, I know. It's been so long since I've updated this story. But a chapter is here now! Rejoice! ...albeit a short one. There's only so much crack I can write down, haha~**

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"Hey, have you-"

"NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING! YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG PERSOOOON!" screamed a teenage girl as she ran away in terror. Shizuo watched in silent shock at the extreme reaction he got from the girl as she disappeared from view, slightly shaking in frustration afterwards. Usually people just silently walk away in fear whenever he approached them, but screaming like a banshee and running away like there's no tomorrow was just pushing it, in Shizuo's opinion.

The ex-bartender cursed under his breath. Darn it, that was the 5th person he had failed to ask. At this rate, he's never going to find any leads as to who had broke his window! Maybe he should save his time and just march up to Izaya's apartment and demand that he pays for the repair costs, since most of the time, it's the flea's fault anyway.

He reached upwards and grabbed his fedora before throwing it down to the pavement in anger. Instead of it slamming down hard and cracking the pavement like Shizuo had intended, the fedora only floated down and made a soft landing.

Not being satisfied with the results, he picked it up again and threw it back down another three times, getting the same results, before a hand stopped his continuing abuse of the second-hand fedora. Shizuo looked up only to see Kadota looking at him with concern.

"I don't really understand what's going on, but there's an overwhelming urge for me to say 'That's not a bowling ball, it's a fedora'."

The blonde blinked a few times. "Huh?"

Kadota patted Shizuo's shoulders and gave the blonde, in what Shizuo could tell, an almost pitying look. "Regardless…uh…" Kadota looked around to find that the street was already devoid of any other life form. "Well, I was going to say that you'd scare the pedestrians off, but it seems like it's a little too late for that."

Shizuo's shoulders sagged a bit as his earlier frustrations went away. "Uh, okay… Sorry."

The other merely nodded distractedly at Shizuo's response before replying, "Well, after spending so much time with you, Shinra and Izaya, I've come to condition myself to not be too surprised with anything anymore."

More patting of Shizuo's shoulders.

"But, just this once…Shizuo, what are you doing?"

"Uh…I can explain…"

Shizuo stopped at the shaking of Kadota's head; a strong sense of Déjà vu hit him hard. "Actually, no need. You must have…some kind of eccentric reason. Yeah…that's it."

Shizuo looked scandalized by Kadota's answer. However, he chose not to comment on that. Instead, now that he managed to get someone to stop long enough, he immediately grabbed Kadota by shoulders to ask the one burning question that has been on his mind since he set sights on the broken shards of window on his bedroom floor that very morning.

"Have you seen someone with a huge flea fetish around here?"

"What?"

Shizuo looked squarely into his friend's eyes and proceeded to repeat the question with a slower pace. And still Kadota's expression of 'wierded out' didn't change. Shizuo shook Kadota hard.

"Damn it, Kadota! Stop looking at me like I'm wearing a poofy rainbow afro wig! Have…you…seen…someone…with…a…huge…flea…fetish?"

"Uh…flea…as in, Izaya?" asked Kadota.

"Yes, that fucking flea! Oh thank milk I'm finally getting somewhere!" nodded Shizuo vigorously. "That person with the huge fetish of fleas, have you seen him?"

"Someone like that huh? Sure, I'm looking at him," replied Kadota with a serious face.

"But…you're looking right at me…oh, wait. That's not right. You're talking about the person behind me right?!" Shizuo whipped around to see behind him. "Show yourself you retard!"

A howling wind sounded through the street, blowing random fuzzballs across the concrete. There was, try as he might to search, absolutely no one in the empty place behind him.

Shizuo froze as Kadota's answer started to sink in.

Throughout the awkward silence, a ringtone filled the air. It was silenced once Kadota picked up his cell phone in his pocket. After exchanging a few words between him and the caller, Kadota patted Shizuo's hands on his shoulders and removed them.

"Well, Shizuo buddy. Not like I don't want to help you or anything, but Walker said that they've found Erika. Uh, I need to go now. See ya around. Bye," said Kadota simply. "Good luck man."

And with that, Kadota left Shizuo frozen in shock with a nod. It wasn't too long before a shout resounded from behind him.

"I DON'T HAVE A FLEA FETISH! THIS ISN'T HELPING AT ALL, STUPID BEANIE GUY!"

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**A/N : Shizuo, just accept the truth already. You ****_so_**** have a huge fetish of fleas... XD **


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